Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
