JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
