This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I fill condoms, not promises.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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