If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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