Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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