Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
