Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
