they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
