Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
And then my night got REAL pukey
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
