Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
