his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
