Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
