I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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