There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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