if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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