when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
