A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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