I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
