Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
