He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
