I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
