hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
