By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
