Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
