Just fell off a train. Bad.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
