I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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