Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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