Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
lets start a swedish sibling band together
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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