Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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