Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm passing your future prison.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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