I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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