To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
