I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
