Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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