Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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