I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize