So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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