All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
