2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
