my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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