Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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