I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
