my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
