i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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