Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
