You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
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