I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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