I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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