Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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