Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
