I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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