I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
