Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
