worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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