so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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