mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
