I wannas sexs uuuuu
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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