I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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