I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize