Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize