something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
