I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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