You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
