I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
